Giving feedback is hard
We all have to have those conversations we don’t want to have, where we know the topic or issue we have to raise is difficult or uncomfortable. Deep down many of us don’t want to put ourselves and others in those difficult positions, we don’t want to create any conflict or perhaps negatively impact our relationships in the workplace.
This is where courageous conversations come in. In courageous conversations, whether in the context of performance reviews or formal or informal coaching and mentoring relationships, we are encouraged to express our views openly and truthfully, rather than defensively or with the purpose of laying blame – the intended outcome being a shared understanding of how to move forward in a positive direction?
What does a courageous conversation look like?
Courageous conversations tend to have 5 things in common according to Cheryl Isaacs at OPM consulting. They are:
1. Performance related - addressing a performance issue that impacts or interferes with the work to be done. This could be at an individual level, team level, or even a business level.
2. Anchored in feedback - delivered in a way that aims to raise performance
3. Timely - taking place as soon as possible after the issue or misunderstanding
4. Trust based - centred around feedback delivered in the context of a trusted relationship
5. Future focused - where the intended outcome is clarity and understanding, generally focused on the behaviours required and any development needed.
What makes a conversation ‘courageous’?
There is no denying that courageous conversations are hard to have, and rely on a healthy dose of curiosity, empathy and understanding. But what contributes to a great courageous conversation?
1. Ask yourself the WHY and the WHAT?
Get clear on why you need to have a courageous conversation, and what your approach and intended outcome is. Simply giving feedback is not a courageous conversation – if this feedback comes from a place of what YOU want alone, then you are doing a disservice to the person you are conversing with.
Cheryl encourages us to ask 2 key questions before going into in courageous conversation; Is it helpful? Will your feedback help another person get clarity on the issue, challenge, problem? And Is it kind? Are you honestly giving this feedback in an empathic way, with their best interest at heart?
2. Think about your rights and responsibilities
We all have rights and responsibilities in the workplace. We have the right to an opinion, to interpret circumstances around us, to challenge others, but we also have a responsibility to listen, to allow others room for interpretation and to be open to challenge ourselves.
Courageous conversations are not one-way streets, so balancing your rights and responsibilities and acknowledging the rights and responsibilities of others is critical to a successful courageous conversation.
3. Check your Mindset
It is important to be aware of how your mindset can influence courageous conversations. The key to a good courageous conversation is keeping an open, curious mind. But we should all recognize two mindset traps we should be aware of before or during our courageous conversations in order to have the best chance of success:
- Not checking our pre- or misconceptions at the door. Expecting the conversation to go a certain way can lead to problems. Many of us fall into the trap of catastrophising – thinking about the worst-case scenario, or personalising – making it all about us, and this can move the conversation away from curious and courageous, to confrontational.
- Not challenging our assumptions. We all attach meaning to the data we collect, drawing conclusions based on our personal belief systems. Acknowledge that these assumptions, and the actions we take as a result, are subjective and may not be shared by the person we are speaking with. Make sure you understand how you arrived at your assumptions and think about how they may influence your courageous conversation.
4. Preparation, preparation, preparation
Think about how you have felt when someone has given you feedback and it feels unstructured, chaotic, and not well thought through. It can feel neither kind nor helpful.
Good preparation includes being thoughtful about when you set the meeting making sure it is at a convenient time for both parties, making sure you have gathered your evidence – confidentially, articulating your observations in a non-confrontational way, protecting your own emotional state, and taking time to think about positive feedback that could be delivered alongside to lighten the emotional load for the recipient.
Taking the time to prepare can mean the difference between confrontation and courageous conversations.
5. Trust is key
Trust is a key component to courageous conversations. Any situation with an element of conflict, no matter how small, can trigger our brain’s fight or flight response.
Consider the people you trust. The likelihood is they have a few things in common; they listen, they are open, they are authentic, you respect their ability, they own their mistakes, and they make you feel they care. These people make you feel psychologically safe and you are much more likely to accept their feedback as a result.
Think about your own behaviours before and during your conversation. Are you open to feedback? Are you listening to their interpretation of the circumstances? Are you showing fairness? Can you demonstrate that you follow through on your own commitments? Behaviours like these can create an environment of trust that can significantly reduce the immediate instinct that feedback is always negative, resulting in a much more productive and courageous conversation.
What if it doesn’t work?
Courageous conversations are hard. It may not always feel like you are ‘getting somewhere’. However, even making the effort to turn a feedback conversation into a courageous one is an important step towards building trust and supporting people to thrive in the workplace.
Remember, at the end of the day you can only manage yourself – so just be helpful, and be kind, and the rest will follow.
